


vory v unicorn

by marikakailaya



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis, Eastern Promises (2007)
Genre: Aslan is a grumpy old man, COME ON ME MY SON, Farts, M/M, Other, apiphile, around the IM campfire, boondock saints references, derek des anges gets blamed for everything because it's actually her fault, he uses semen to condition his mane, how DO you spell san francisco? is that it?, i don't want to get banned i just JOINED, i have come to come upon him!, multiple dicks, okay no this is my fault, there was a FIREFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT, this isn't a real fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-18
Updated: 2011-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-22 19:11:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marikakailaya/pseuds/marikakailaya





	vory v unicorn

once upon a time, in a magical kingdom far far away called san francisco, there lived a princess named kirill. kirill was VERY SAD because all day all he could do was hang out with his friends aslan and lucy, who, while charming, didn't have enough boas. mind, this was allllll the way in the VERY BACK OF THE BACKEST OF THE WARDROBE, way past where kirill kept even his secretest stash of pretty glitter boas.

ONE DAY, as kirill was saying goodbye to lucy and aslan and sadly pushing his way through his stash of boas, knowing that he and they were too gay even for san francisco which i am unsure about the spelling of quite frankly, a MAGICAL FLYING UNICORN APPEARED. it was, um, branded like a cow, a bit. but branded with UNHEARD OF MYSTICAL MAGICAL RUSSIAN SYMBOLS. like you know, in some russian unicorn prison or other, it'd probably been...branded. but that was a LONG TIEM AGO.

princess kirill gasped! WHO ARE YOU, he cried, shrinking back from the glory.

the unicorn said, with a vague hint of a lisp, I AM LORD KOLYA OF RUSSIALAND AND YOU WILL BE MY QUEEN

and princess kirill was like WHAT! RUSSIALAND! I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THIS RUSSIALAND

and kolya was like THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING UNEDUCATED, PRINCESS KIRILL

IS THAT YOUR DICK, princess kirill cried

and kolya was like THAT IS MY UNICORN HORN

and princess kirill was vaguely ashamed. oh. i thought it was your dick.

well it is a second dick, kolya amended.

ANYWAY THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. COME WITH ME, MY SON! he bellowed deep into the wardrobe, startling aslan out of a nap no less.

and because kirill was frankly used to being fucked by his father, he climbed atop kolya's magically inscribed unicorn back!

ARE THERE BOAS IN RUSSIALAND, he asked

YES, kolya replied, flying through the gaping hole in the roof he had made getting into the wardrobe, much like the hole he would soon make in kirill's butt. THERE ARE AS MANY SPARKLY RAINBOW BOAS AS YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE, PRINCESS KIRILL

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, princess kirill cried!

but then! with a mighty roar and an unholy rancid old-man fart, princess kirill's evil incestuous daddy appeared!  
THERE WAS A FIREFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT only not. "SEMEN!" KOLYA SHOUTED. "HOW DARE YOU TREAD WITH YOUR STINKY OLD MAN GASSES UPON THE LAND WHERE MY MAGICAL UNICORN HOOVES WALK!"

and semen was WROTH. i'm a little unsure what that means but i think it means he was fuckin well pissed. or possibly homosexual.

"I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THE DAY WHEN YOU WOULD COME FOR MY SON, UNICORN LORD KOLYA OF RUSSIALAND WHERE i have heard there are excellent boas actually."

"I HAVE NOT COME FOR HIM, SEMEN! I HAVE COME TO COME UPON HIM!"

THEN THERE REALLY WAS A FIREFIGHT

UNICORN LORD KOLYA OF RUSSIALAND MARCHED TOWARDS SEMEN AS PRINCESS KIRILL CLUNG TO HIS BACK WEEPING LIKE A FUCKIN GIRL, AND WITHDREW FROM THIN AIR, WITH A SPARKLE, A BOTTLE OF VODKA, AND A MATCH

firefight means he set the old man on fire

AS SEMEN LET OUT ANOTHER INVOLUNTARY OLD MAN FART, UNICORN LORD KOLYA SPLASHED HIM WITH VODKA AND THREW THE MATCH UPON HIM!

BITS OF SEMEN FLEW EVERYWHERE!

THERE WAS SEMEN IN THE WARDROBE

THERE WAS SEMEN IN KOLYA'S BEAUTIFUL UNICORN MANE

THERE WAS EVEN SEMEN ON ASLAN

BUT FEAR NOT, UNICORN LORD KOLYA SAID AS PRINCESS KIRILL WEPT (DESPITE BEING VERY USED TO HAVING SEMEN, IE HIS FATHER AND SEMEN, ALL OVER HIM). I CAN FIX THIS IN A TWINKLING!

AND LO! AS HE FLIPPED PRINCESS KIRILL OFF HIS BACK AND DID HIM UP THE BUTT WITH BOTH HIS DICKS AND AS THEY BOTH SOBBED AND SIMULTANEOUSLY ORGASMED, THE WORLD EXPLODED IN MAGICAL GLITTER AND ALL TRACES OF SEMEN WERE GONE.

AS ASLAN YAWNED AND WENT TO TAKE ANOTHER NAP, THEY FLEW OFF TO RUSSIALAND AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH BOAS FOREVER.

THE END.


End file.
